Examples of Letters from Letters to Reid
#1
Did someone tell me you died? I don’t know if I was told or if I just assumed. Why else would I have been brought to the hospital in the early hours of the morning? I wish I could remember. Maybe if I remembered someone saying it, I would be able to believe it.
#2
I’m in a daze. I can’t remember who was there besides Mom, Linda, and Peter. I know more people were there. It’s strange how just a few hours later, I can’t recall who they were..
I remember that everyone was in what was called the “Family Waiting Area.” It was a little glassed-off area off the regular waiting area that reminded me of an aquarium. It wasn’t private. Anyone could see in and see us. I was annoyed at being put in the “Family Waiting Area.” Our family wasn’t our family anymore. I remember wondering what we would become.
You’d think I’d remember Dad showing up or us leaving the hospital. I don’t. Nothing felt real. It still doesn’t.
#7
There’s always people here. They bring flowers and food. They say “I can’t understand what you’re going through,” or “I’m so sorry,” or “he’s in a better place,” or one of the other thousand things said at a time like this. I think I’ve never met a good fifty percent of the people who have shown up. They introduce themselves, but I can’t remember who they are a minute later. I just nod my head when they talk and say thank you for coming, though I don’t quite understand why I’m thanking them. I think they just want to feel like they’ve done something supportive. Maybe they are being supportive, but it doesn’t feel like it to me.
#9
You know when you’re on summer vacation and you can’t remember what day it is? That’s how I am right now. Today could be Tuesday, it could be Friday, I wouldn’t know either way. The past few days have all blurred together.
I do know that today is your wake and tomorrow will be the burial and the funeral. That’s how I’ve been able to tell time has passed. Yesterday was one day to the wake and two days since the day you died. Today is the wake and three days since the day you died. Tomorrow will be the funeral and four days since the day you died.
#17
I’m almost positive that everyone blames themselves in some way. I know Mom and Dad each blame themselves, but they weren’t home, I was. Sometimes I wonder if they blame me. They’d never admit to it, but it’s possible that somewhere in their minds, they blame me. I wish I could blame them. I want to be mad because they didn’t take your car away or enforce their rules more strictly, but I can’t be.
#24
I like to call your phone so I can hear your voice. I’m scared that someday I’ll forget what you sounded like. I don’t want to forget anything. Will I just wake up one day and have forgotten what you sounded like or what you looked like? Or will it happen over time?
#25
When I’m old, will I even be able to remember you? Or will I only remember that you existed? It won’t be too long before I’ve lived most of my life without you. It’s not fair. I’m not prepared to spend life without you. We talked about the future. You joked that you would live on my couch. I never imagined facing the future without you by my side.
#27
I feel weird around my friends now. I want to talk about you, but I can’t. We’re not supposed to talk about death, it makes people uncomfortable. People grow quiet when I mention you. They avoid talking about anything that could relate to you. I know they’re trying to protect my feelings, but they’re not. Avoiding talking about you does not protect my feelings, it makes me angry. You’ve become an elephant in every room I enter. Everyone tries to ignore your existence and I just want them to acknowledge you.
Is this how the rest of my life will be? Feeling like I can’t talk about you because it might make others uncomfortable?
#40
You were the focus of the family for years and I was happy in your shadow. I didn’t know what my role was going to be. I’m still not entirely sure what my role is now.
I always defined myself as your opposite. Who am I now that you aren’t here to define me? I still don’t know who I am without you, but I don’t need to know who I am.
Am I still your little sister now that I’m older than you were when you died? I still think of myself as your little sister.
#41
At first I was afraid of not having answers to all of my questions. I wanted something concrete and definite that I could hold onto. Uncertainty is hard for most people to accept. It’s even harder to accept when everything is uncertain and you feel like you’re rushing down a river and there’s nothing to stop you from being swept away. I’ve found that sometimes you have to let yourself get swept away.
#50
It’s been ten years since you died. I’m in my final year of college and I’m making a game about you. It’s strange to think about how much of my life is influenced by you. The only reason I played games was to spend time with you. I remember watching you play for hours and begging for a turn, only for you to keep the controller until Mom made us turn off the TV for the night. Or when I’d sit on a stool behind the computer chair and watch you play Age of Empires.
I’m not sure who I would be today if you hadn’t died. If you were still alive, I think I would be completely different. I’d probably have tried to continue to be your opposite instead of adopting some of your likes and personality and making them a part of me.
Sometimes I struggle with the thought that I’m not me and I’m just trying to keep you alive through me in a way. But our experiences shape who we are. And your death was certainly an experience. Sometimes I wonder if it’s shaped me too much. Am I more than the girl whose brother died? Is there anything of me that hasn’t been influenced by you or your death in some way? I honestly can’t say. Things I thought were uniquely me always relate back to you after a moment of thought.
You were larger than life. In a way, you still are. You’re still affecting me.